Noted In a Musical Diary

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody…

—from elyrics

Did you know?
I spent a lifetime, learning one thing.
Possession is the beginning of losing it.
But, in the end, I still couldn’t learn.
I can’t accept it.

Having youth is actually the beginning of losing youth.
Having a marriage already starts the process of losing your marriage.
Having a reputation— Actually, reputation can also be lost.

Having wealth is the same.
Health is also the same.
Even raising a dog is the same.

Possessing love…
Oh God!
Losing a loved one is even harder to accept.

Why is it that everything I pursue in life, the moment I gain possession of it, I lose it?
If I never have it.. then I won’t have anything to lose.
Isn’t that right?

- “In Time With You” Taiwanese Drama Transcript: Ep 2, Part 5 (such a beautiful, moving scene, starts @ 11:55)
Translation source

I rarely find words beautiful. Learned about this word in a book I just finished and what it meant spoke to me.

“Saudade…is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It’s related to the feelings of longing, yearning.”
- Wikipedia

Apparently it carries a stronger notation than nostalgia. For those (everyone) who don’t know me, I have a problem accepting change, accepting that time moves forward. I get stuck in the past, reminiscing on memories… probably more than other people do. It’s not a brief moment of nostalgia that we all go through. For me, it’s a constant desperate wanting to go back to the happiest moments in my life. Of course, I know new memories are created every day, but deep down I feel like they disappear as quickly as their made.

Time ticks on and you can’t live in that second— ever. I’ve noticed that the times in my life where I’ve felt most happy, in the back of my mind, I’m already mourning the fact that it will end, and that particular moment is already passing you by. It’s like I look back on everything wishing it never passed, and I turn forward knowing that all that is yet to come will leave too.

So there it is, saudade. A word that is a good fit for me.